Gluteus Maximus Extreme and the Frying Pan of Doom
by Die Cassandra Claire and Emo
Summary: A challenge... Lethargic fingers find no inspiration, so read this crap. Written by Die Cassandra Claire.


_Harry:_

That bastard had better watch his back. And I mean it. He thinks he can walk into this castle and take over everything and not get on my bad side? That bitch is becoming a worse threat than I first anticipated, I must get rid of him…and fast. But, how to do it? It has to look like an accident, or at least, something close to an accident…but what? He is always surrounded by those guard goons of his…I'll think of something, if not, then my name is not Harry James Potter. After all, I can't let him get in my way, not when it comes to the one I love. And Neville Longbottom is mine!

_Draco:_

It amuses me to watch him, to see him and realize that he doesn't know what is going on inside of my head. Oh, if only he did, even the small teddy bears on those delicious pajamas of his would blush. Oh, his pajamas, hiding what I want to be my prize, Longbottom, you have a very nice bottom, and I want to sink my teeth in into it. My sharp, fangs, my Slytherin choppers. that's right, Draco Malfoy is infatuated with Neville 'Screw Up is my middle name' Longbottom, and I am not afraid to admit it. At least, in my head. Yes, I am obsessed with Longbottom, why, you might ask? His ass. He has the most rotund, the most bubble, the most delectable ass I have ever seen. And I want it. All for my own.

_Neville:_

He scares me. In fact, they both scare me, everyone scares me, everything scares me. Harry, although I trust him above everyone else, he scares me the most. All of the sudden, he has become very protective of me. And Mal…Malf…Malfoy, he scares me a little more than Harry. See, I'm scared of people even in my mind. I can't live like this. Hermione tells me to stop being paranoid. I want to tell her that its easy for her to not be paranoid, she has Harry and Ron. I have no one, even though Harry says he will protect me no matter what…who will protect me from Harry?

_Harry:_

In the kitchens this evening, I was hanging out with Ron and Hermione. Hermione kept on giving me glances, saying, Harry, what's wrong? Ron kept on trying to touch her under the table, I know this because I have x-ray vision. Hermione was getting more and more enraged with Ron, telling him that she 'wasn't that kind of girl.' He respected that, and left her alone after she said that, but, for some reason, he put his hand on her thigh to get up, and WHAM, she smacked him in the face with a frying pan that dobby left on the table. She went so red afterwards, apologizing profusely, saying, ' I just don't know what came over me!' Later on that night, Hermione told me that she was going to go visit Ron in the infirmary, she didn't come back until after midnight…Ron told me, the next day, that he was no longer a virgin. Oh yes, my body will know that sweet touch of another, just as soon as Neville is ready. He will be my first, and I his…

_Draco:_

Potter told me to leave him alone. That Longbottom was of no use to me in any way, that I should just up and vanish from the face of the earth because that would be 'best for everyone'. I told him to fuck off. I told him that if he was such hot shit, then he would accept a little challenge. Enticed, he accepted, and we raced. One thirty that morning, we were up in that cold night air, me in just my boxers and a loose silk robe, he in his ugly house colors. He was going to win, and I couldn't have that. I kicked up my game, kicked him in the back, called him a stupid cunt face, and shoved him off the track. He fell off his broom, poor him, unfortunately he didn't hurt himself. Being the self proclaimed 'perfect flyer' he called himself, he saved himself and we tied the race.

_Neville:_

I couldn't sleep. Neither Harry nor Ron were in the room, and Seamus and Dean were being too loud. So I stole down to the kitchens, tickled the pear, just like Harry told me to, and I went into the kitchens. None of the elves were around, except for one, a little girl looking one with a bottle in her hand. She showed me her drink, Firewhiskey, 'something stronger than usual' she said in her backwards house elf way. Together, the two of us, we drank our worries away and got drunk…silly drunk.

* * *

I have met the challenge requirements:

Hermione must hit Ron in the face with a frying pan

Draco has a crush on Neville

Neville is terrified of Draco

Harry thinks that Draco is threatening Neville

Someone must call someone else a "cunt face"


End file.
